Monthly Archives: December 2009

I may have spoken too soon…

Last night my husband and I were sitting down after dinner and I was chatting away about a few things and mentioned how pleased I was that I hadn’t had any side effects from the Provera and Clomid. H gave me a sideways glance and asked what the SEs are. I mumbled something vague about mood swings etc etc, and noticed H trying to hide a smile.

“Why are you laughing?! Do you think I’m having MOOD SWINGS?!!!”

Ah , oops. I really wasn’t intending on yelling at him. I guess there’s my answer.

After H recovered from his fits of laughter he was able to convey that yes, perhaps my mood has seemed a little labile of late. I don’t know if it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, but a couple of times at work today I had to fight back tears. Things are pretty stressful there at the moment because my colleague is away on leave and because of the holidays I’m trying to cram 5 days of work into 3 days. On top of that I’m distracted by all my personal medical shenanigans. We don’t get mobile phone reception at work so I have to run around the corridors in my spare moments or wait until there’s no one around to make medical appointments and get results. And unfortunately my boss – who’s lovely – just hasn’t been very effectual this week. He works much better at a slow pace than a fast one! I pushed and pushed this morning to get some important tasks done, but somehow we still ended up spending our time on tasks that to me seem much less urgent. And I know what that means… tomorrow will be even worse than today.

This situation just reminded me so much of this time last year. It was a couple of weeks before Christmas 2008 that my pituitary tumour and PCOS were diagnosed, and I was upset and stressed trying to organise all my medical reviews and scans, all the while dealing with a very disorganised and unsympathetic senior staff member. I was working a particularly stressful job at that time and unfortunately my off-sider was off on extended compassionate leave. Luckily my seniors’  manager was fabulous and when I confided in him he really helped facilitate things for me. There certainly were some tears at work last year though, so feeling teary today just brought all those feelings flooding back.

Okay, my whinge is over! Now it’s time to hunker down to some Indian takeaway with H. It’s a particular treat that we love to indulge in from time-to-time (ie frequently), and although a 38 C day doesn’t seem like the best timing to eat hot Indian food, neither of us wanted to cook!

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Filed under Clomid, Infertility, PCOS, Pituitary Adenoma, Provera

An Apology, a Holiday, and an Update

First, an apology

I signed up to ICLW for the first time this month. I had the best intentions but H and I have been away for the last 2 days and I haven’t commented at all during that time. I didn’t even log in! However I did manage to make my quota on the other days, and I ‘met’ some nice new bloggers, so I’m really pleased I took part. 

Second, I thought I’d give you a quick run down on our little holiday

H had to work Christmas this year but when we found out that we were both off work for the following three days we decided to make the most of such a rare occurrence and head out of the city for some R&R. I was able to find a B&B with a vacancy in a seaside town we have previously visited on a day trip. The town Sorrento is located on a peninsula so we were literally surrounded by beaches. 

The B&B was a beautiful quaint cottage from the 1800s and it had been beautifully restored. Check out the photos – particularly the huge bath tub! 

                                                    

It would have been a great place for some serious baby-making but the timing meant we had to find other ways to occupy our time. Not difficult! 

On Day One we relaxed, had a beer at the local pub, ate dinner outside in the lovely garden, and fell asleep before the sun went down! 

Day Two consisted of a visit to the rough beaches on the eastern side, a coffee with the view of the ocean (well, chai latte for me since I’m avoiding caffeine), and a short walk up to an observation point. Then we headed down the road to the next town where we had been told there was an amazing pub. We found the pub, and sat in the fabulous back garden with a view of the ocean. I read my book and H did the crossword with the help of a beer. The rest of the day consisted of some quality time with my towel and my book at the inner beach followed by dinner at a local restaurant. 

I had a little ‘IF moment’ while lying on the beach. There were lots of families on the beach, and there was one particular family nearby with two aborable toddlers. I was watching them play in the sea, and I was struck (as I often am) by how much genuine enjoyment children get out of life. These kids were ecstatically happy splashing in the water while mum and dad looked on. And I so badly wanted to see our kids doing that. I wanted to be like all those other families at the beach. I got a bit teary and H noticed and without having to ask he knew why I was upset. He quickly got me smiling and some time later – stating he’d had too much sun for one day – he took himself off for a walk in town. Later that day when we were back in our room, H presented me with a white box. I opened it to find the most adorable little baby shirt. He’s bought it on his walk so that I had something tangible to remind me that we will have a child.

                                                             

On Day Three we headed checked out of the B&B at about 10am, and toured around the peninsula for the day. We stopped at a boutique brewery so H could try the beer (are you sensing a theme here?) and then had a picnic lunch before heading back to the city. 

                                                 

The highlights? The croissants at the B&B – as good as any I’ve had in France; and the Pizza at the local restaurant – better than any I’ve ever had in Italy!    

Third, a TTC update

I’m thinking about my ovaries. In fact, I think about them quite a lot. I wonder if, after so many months – perhaps years – of sitting dormant, they will know what to do in response to the Clomid. Can old ovaries learn new tricks? Or is it a case of ‘once a dumb ovary, always a dumb ovary’? Hm, I can just picture my lumpy little ovary sitting sullenly in the corner of my pelvis wearing a dunce cap on his lumpy little head. (I’m not sure why I picture my ovaries as male, it seems counter-intuitive. Maybe because I think a well-raised female ovary would have the good manners to ovulate on time, as scheduled).    

Today is CD5 and so far my body hasn’t dared to utter the slightest complaint about the 50mg of Clomid I have been consuming every night. Maybe my body hasn’t even noticed. Long may it continue, I say, just as long as I actually ovulate.    

In good news, the long and frustrating 8 day wait for CD1 after stopping Provera has actually worked out quite nicely, thank you. It means that my MRI scan is scheduled for CD11, and even if  my body turns into an overachiever and I manage to both ovulate and fertilise by CD11, there’s no way in hell that the little blastocyst will have implanted. This means I can get my shot of MRI contrast without fretting about giving birth to a two-headed baby with a voice like Fran Drescher. Thank God, because I really wasn’t looking forward to those nightmares.

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Filed under Blogging, Clomid, Infertility, Non-IF Stuff, Photos

Merry Christmas, Blogosphere

Today is great for two reasons.

One: it is Christmas. I love Christmas, and any other celebration for that matter.

Two: tonight I take my very first Clomid.

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Filed under Clomid, Non-IF Stuff, Photos

Popping my Cherry

This week is my very first ICLW. Yes, I know it’s a bit brave to do my first one during a week which is (a) interrupted by Christmas and (b) ridiculously busy at work, but I just couldn’t help myself. I OPTIMISTICALLY figure I’ll be able to do it, and I IMPATIENTLY couldn’t wait until next month.

So welcome! Come pop my ICLW cherry!

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Filed under Blogging, Photos

Get the Party Started

I had my last Provera on Wednesday night, and I’m waiting for CD1.

I escaped without any real side effects, although on Friday and Saturday I had shocking headaches which I think was due to stopping the Provera. I used to get similar headaches during the days before my period when I was on the pill.

Aside from that, and perhaps a slightly achey, bloated tummy (which is truthfully probably due to the multitude of Christmas functions over the past two weeks) I have spotted no sign of a pending CD1 yet though… and I’m SOOO impatient for it to arrive so I can take my Clomid and get this party started!

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Filed under Infertility, Photos, Provera

Idle Hands

 I’m stuck at work tonight until 8pm, and for a change there’s not really much to do.

I’ve noticed that whenever my mind is unoccupied I slip right back into thinking about infertility, and to be honest I feel like I’m becoming a bit obsessed. In some ways I feel much calmer now than I did before I started this blog, during the interminable wait for my FS appointment. I’m more optimistic, and on a good day… a little less impatient!

But my husband pointed out last night that recently we spend much less time actually together when we are both home. I happen to think part of the blame for that lies firmly with H’s new Playstation 3. That said, I can’t deny that I spend more of my evenings at home in front of the computer either writing in this blog or reading many of the others that I follow.

So tonight, I find myself at work, with idle hands. Here is a list of things I have done before caving in and logging into IF Land.

  1. Completed some dreaded paperwork (in actual fact, I was so bored that even though my paperwork is all up-to-date I have actually started preparing paperwork in advance).
  2. I ate dinner. Slowly.
  3. I spent 45 minutes perusing Explore/Interestingness/Last 7 Days on Flikr
  4. I compared my pathetic photos to some of the amazing photos taken by talented people on Flikr, and got depressed.
  5. Ate a chocolate muffin to cure my depression.
  6. Answered a work-related phone call. Made frantic conversation with the person on the other end as they were trying desperately to hang up.
  7. Sat staring at the wall.

What’s the moral of the story, you ask? Buggered if I know, but at least I just killed another 30 minutes.

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Filed under Blogging, Infertility, Photos

The Art of Lying

A couple of weeks ago I decided to tell my husband about this blog.

OK, that’s a lie. He knew that I was reading some IF blogs and one evening when I mentioned something about one he said to me “but you’re not writing anything on the internet, are you?”. I paused for a moment, and quickly decided I couldn’t outright lie to him. (Well, not about this. I can usually manage to scrounge up a white lie about how much that new pair of high heels cost). Not only am I a terrible liar, but not telling the truth about something so important just wasn’t something I was comfortable with.

It might seem strange that I didn’t tell him right from the start but – to be brutally honest – I knew that he probably wouldn’t approve and I knew that if he voiced that to me I would feel like I couldn’t blog without betraying him in some way. So I started this blog all on my own, as my private piece of therapy, and chose not to mention it.

There are a couple of reasons why I suspected H would not be impressed with the idea of a blog. Firstly he is simply quite a private person. He just doesn’t like the idea of people knowing his business without making a conscious choice about what information he is willing to share. Secondly, although he is incredibly loving and supportive, he is not an emotional person in the same way I am. He is thoroughly pragmatic, and I knew he just wouldn’t understand why I needed this outlet.

So when I admitted to the blog, it seemed there might be a fight brewing. And then something amazing happened. For probably the first time ever, I managed to explain myself, without getting upset, in a way that H instantly understood.

I explained to H that I have all these thoughts about IF running though my head and if I didn’t have some way of getting them off my chest I’d come home every night and unload verbal diarrhoea all over him, and he would rapidly lose his mind. I told him how much support I get from fellow bloggers out there. I explained that the purpose of this blog was not to embarrass him, or share unneccessary information with complete strangers, but to help me cope. The bottom line was that this blog helps to save him from some of my lunacy. 

His reply?

 “That is the most intelligent thing you’ve ever said to me.”

So the moral of the story is… the blog continues, with H’s blessing, on the proviso that it remains anonymous, and I don’t discuss the intimate details of our sex life or our arguments. Which is just fine with me. And I imagine it’s just fine with you too, because who the hell wants to hear that stuff anyway?

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Filed under Blogging, Infertility