I’m so excited about my positive OPK. Part of me thinks I should try to temper my excitement for fear of the huge disappointment that might follow if I don’t get pregnant. However I’ve decided just to enjoy my excitement while it lasts. So far I haven’t had many opportunities to feel happy about our efforts to conceive so I’m going to soak it up while I can. I am going to experience this moment honestly and I’ll deal with the disappointment if necessary. Currently I’m still relatively fresh and new to fertility treatments and I have the reserves to experience my emotions authentically and still be able to function (for the most part!). Things might be different in 6 or (gulp) 12 months but for now I’m going to try not to hide from the pain and the pleasure associated with all this nonsense. I hate the anguish infertility causes but I truly don’t want to become numb to the hope it offers either.
My mind is abuzz with the products of this hope. I know it’s a terrible jinx, but I worked out the likely due date if we did conceive yesterday. It falls in September exactly one week after my birthday. My birthday is exactly one week after my own mother’s birthday and when I saw the dates lined up on my calendar, one below the other, I loved the sense of symmetry. For the first time in a couple of years I’m planning on taking the pilgrimage home for Christmas this year. If we do conceive this cycle (or the next two) I’ll have a brand new bubba to take home to my family. If we conceive in the few cycles after that not only will Christmas arrive before the baby, but I’ll be too pregnant to fly home! The list of fantasies goes on and on but I won’t bore you with them all. I think that a bit of hope will do nothing but nurture any possible pregnancy developing my nether regions, but importantly I’m not pinning my whole psychological welfare on this cycle resulting in a pregnancy.
Right, I’ve finished with my philosophical discussion. Now it’s time to talk about something really interesting – sex!
As you know, I got my beautiful dark line on the OPK yesterday. We’re currently following the Second-daily Scheduled Sex Routine that many of you are familiar with, and I didn’t take the test until after ‘following doctor’s orders’ with H. While we were rigorously satisfying our marital requirements, I was cognizant enough to notice that I was very tender in the right side of my pelvis. A couple of hours later I poked and jabbed at my lower abdomen but was totally unable to reproduce the pain. Was this the elusive ovulation pain I have heard so many other women talk about? I bloody hope so. I haven’t noticed any other signs of ovulation except perhaps a slightly bloated tummy today – which is in all likelihood due to the chickpea curry I had for dinner last night. I do occasionally get a bloated and slightly tender lower abdomen but it seems to occur totally independently of my cycles (or lack thereof), so I don’t think I can justifiably count it as a symptom of ovulation. My breasts aren’t sore, but then they never are. The failure of my breasts to ever act remotely breast-like continues to perplex me, but that’s a story for anther post.
Last night, in the euphoria that was surrounding me, I got just a teeny bit carried away when H kissed me goodnight. Um, okay, I got very carried away. I absolutely do not condone this sort of behaviour and it is very definitely NOT following doctor’s orders. I know it’s bad for the quality of H’s contribution to the cause, but gosh darn-it, I just couldn’t help myself. The logical part of me can reason that H had already deposited one top-quality sample and a second serve wasn’t going to do any harm, but somehow I still feel like a naughty school girl caught smoking behind the bike sheds – another behaviour I do not condone, especially if trying to get knocked up.
So I figured… since I’m feeling like a naughty girl anyway… I may as well jump H’s bones again tonight.