I’m patient about a lot of things. I’m patient with children; I used to work as an Intervention Therapist with Autistic pre-schoolers – that took a lot of patience. I’m patient with animals; our family dog had a rough start in life and needed a lot of patient training. I’m occasionally even patient with my husband.
But I called myself The Impatient Optimist because I am, most definitely, NOT patient about trying to conceive.
Today I am particularly impatient.
Last night I had a dream – the second this week – in which I was pregnant. I peed on a stick and right before my eyes two lines appeared, two of the darkest pink lines to ever appear on a HPT. And I felt so happy. And even more overwhelming than the happiness was the relief. During my dreams I am almost invariably aware that I am dreaming. But these two dreams (although unrealistic in ways only dreams can be) felt very real. That relief was real. There was no running commentary in my head saying “WARNING: this is a dream”. And as a result I’ve had a strange day. At times I have been calm – that nagging sense that something is missing from my life has been gone. At other times I feel sad because I remember that those wonderful feelings were just an illusion. I almost feel like I’ve lost something.
I logged in to Google Reader this afternoon for my daily blog-a-thon. There were 28 updates. Twenty-eight! So I settled down with the Australian Open playing in the background and I started reading. And as I was reading I felt myself becoming more and more impatient. Sure there are stories of success (Kate and Stef for example) but there are also stories of loss, of cycle after cycle with nothing to show for it but heartache, of people coming to terms with giving up their dream because – damn it! – they just can’t bear to do it any longer. And it struck me….
(Just a warning, dear readers. I’m about to throw a tantrum – a genuine, squealing, foot-stamping, fist-pounding tantrum. I dare any two-year old to do better. So, if you’re not in the mood for a bit of self-indulgent whining, just skip this part).
… IT’S BLOODY NOT FAIR!! Why the hell do any of us have to go through this? As much as I love the ALI community, as much as I’ve enjoyed getting to know people I would never have otherwise made contact with, I just don’t want to be here! I don’t want any of us to be here!
I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I seem to be responding well to the Clomid. As far as we know, now that I’m ovulating there shouldn’t really be any reason we can’t conceive. Yes, we’ve really only had one unsuccessful cycle, because I only started the Clomid in December. There’s a pretty good shot that we won’t need to advance as far as IVF – so really, I shouldn’t be complaining.
But today, I just don’t care.
I’m impatient. We waited more than two months to see our FS and get our treatment started. We spent 7 months before that hoping my cycles would regulate and we would conceive on our own. We spent 2 months investigating my prolactin and dealing with the adenoma before we could even start trying to conceive. And before the diagnosis we spent 6 months wondering why the hell I wasn’t having periods.
I’m sick of the “what if’s?”. I’m sick of wondering where this stupid IF journey will take us. I’m sick of worrying that it might never happen. I’m even sick of the optimism. In a month’s time I’m going home to visit my family for a 4-day weekend. And I keep thinking…. wouldn’t it just be great to be able to tell my mum, in person, that I’m pregnant? STOP IT! I’m tired of the day dreams and I’m tired of the waiting.
I. Just. Want. To. Be. Pregnant. RIGHT. NOW!
NOW, DAMN IT!!!!!!!
Whew…. I feel better already.