What’s in a Name?

I’m patient about a lot of things. I’m patient with children; I used to work as an Intervention Therapist with Autistic pre-schoolers – that took a lot of patience. I’m patient with animals; our family dog had a rough start in life and needed a lot of patient training. I’m occasionally even patient with my husband.

But I called myself The Impatient Optimist because I am, most definitely, NOT patient about trying to conceive.

 Today I am particularly impatient.

Last night I had a dream – the second this week – in which I was pregnant. I peed on a stick and right before my eyes two lines appeared, two of the darkest pink lines to ever appear on a HPT. And I felt so happy. And even more overwhelming than the happiness was the relief.  During my dreams I am almost invariably aware that I am dreaming. But these two dreams (although unrealistic in ways only dreams can be) felt very real. That relief was real. There was no running commentary in my head saying “WARNING: this is a dream”. And as a result I’ve had a strange day. At times I have been calm – that nagging sense that something is missing from my life has been gone. At other times I feel sad because I remember that those wonderful feelings were just an illusion. I almost feel like I’ve lost something.

I logged in to Google Reader this afternoon for my daily blog-a-thon. There were 28 updates. Twenty-eight! So I settled down with the Australian Open playing in the background and I started reading. And as I was reading I felt myself becoming more and more impatient. Sure there are stories of success (Kate and Stef for example) but there are also stories of loss, of cycle after cycle with nothing to show for it but heartache, of people coming to terms with giving up their dream because – damn it! – they just can’t bear to do it any longer. And it struck me….

(Just a warning, dear readers. I’m about to throw a tantrum – a genuine, squealing, foot-stamping, fist-pounding tantrum. I dare any two-year old to do better. So, if you’re not in the mood for a bit of self-indulgent whining, just skip this part).

… IT’S BLOODY NOT FAIR!! Why the hell do any of us have to go through this? As much as I love the ALI community, as much as I’ve enjoyed getting to know people I would never have otherwise made contact with, I just don’t want to be here! I don’t want any of us to be here!

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I seem to be responding well to the Clomid. As far as we know, now that I’m ovulating there shouldn’t really be any reason we can’t conceive. Yes, we’ve really only had one unsuccessful cycle, because I only started the Clomid in December. There’s a pretty good shot that we won’t need to advance as far as IVF – so really, I shouldn’t be complaining.

But today, I just don’t care.

I’m impatient. We waited more than two months to see our FS and get our treatment started. We spent 7 months before that hoping my cycles would regulate and we would conceive on our own. We spent 2 months investigating my prolactin and dealing with the adenoma before we could even start trying to conceive. And before the diagnosis we spent 6 months wondering why the hell I wasn’t having periods.

I’m sick of the “what if’s?”. I’m sick of wondering where this stupid IF journey will take us. I’m sick of worrying that it might never happen. I’m even sick of the optimism. In a month’s time I’m going home to visit my family for a 4-day weekend. And I keep thinking…. wouldn’t it just be great to be able to tell my mum, in person, that I’m pregnant? STOP IT! I’m tired of the day dreams and I’m tired of the waiting.

I. Just. Want. To. Be. Pregnant. RIGHT. NOW!

NOW, DAMN IT!!!!!!!

 

Whew…. I feel better already.

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6 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Photos

6 responses to “What’s in a Name?

  1. Jin

    I totally hear you. I hate those dreams with a passion. It’s not because I’m pregnant, it’s the happiness and relief that kill me in the dreams. Ugh! Why can’t we have that in real life?

  2. I am soooooo impatient about TTC, too. (And in general….for a while I thought someone up there was trying to teach me a lesson about patience before motherhood.) I hate the “what if’s” and the worry and the fear of being hopeful and the fear of not being hopeful. Everything you said. Oh, my gosh, it would be such a relief to get preggo and finally have that part of my mind and heart back. Exactly like, well, in your dream.

  3. Secret Sloper

    Those dreams are so great. I had two of them the cycle I got my BFP, so that could bode well for you (not that my pregnancy history is something you want to emulate, but still).

    I hope you feel better after that tantrum. Sometimes staying optimistic and hopeful becomes such a drag and a good scream feels so nice.

  4. Red

    I hope you feel better for that tantrum. I know when you look back over the months it feels like you have just been waiting to see a specialist, waiting to TTC, waiting out the 2ww, etc over and over. But we do tend to forget the living we have done during those months. I know it doesn’t bring a baby into your arms, but when I start to think I have ‘wasted’ those months waiting, it does help me to think of all the things I did in those months that were unrelated to TTC. They weren’t wasted. I really hope you will see that BFP soon and the waiting pales into the background.

  5. JC

    I hate dreams like that, the waking up part and realizing it was just a dream. They can feel so real. I was having lunch with a fellow IFfer today and I must have said 10 times “I don’t want to do this.” I’m just sick of IF and I don’t want to be here! I just want to be able to get pregnant on my own damnit!!

  6. I know what you’re saying about the impatience. I feel like I’ve been waiting my whole life to finally get pregnant, and although I had a strange feeling it might not be as easy as I hoped, I still kind of expected that when I decided “it’s time” that I could go ahead and quickly make motherhood a part of my life. And it feels a little bit like my life is on hold while I get this IF thing worked out…

    Here’s hoping that you’ll quickly get to be impatient about “when is this nine months going to finally be over with!” instead!