Monthly Archives: February 2010

A Shout-Out to the Blogosphere

 Thank you so much to everyone who left supportive messages for me on my last post, newbies and regulars alike. Your comments really did help.

I’m feeling more hopeful at the moment. I felt dreadful and so terrified for the first 24 hours, but in the last 24 hours the spotting has decreased and I have started enjoying being pregnant again. I have to admit that writing these words makes me a bit nervous… I feel a bit like I’m tempting fate.

That being said, I felt positive enough this evening to fill in the registration form for my obstetrician that I received in the mail, something that I have been putting off for the last two days.

So… fingers crossed!

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Filed under Blogging, Photos, Pregnancy

Sorry, But I’m A Mess

I was going to write an introductory post to welcome ICLWers, but to be honest I’m not capable at the moment.

For those of you who are first-timers to my blog, I got my first positive pregnancy test 4 days ago. Well, today I started spotting. I know that it not uncommon to spot during early pregnancy and it may not mean anything, but on the other hand it might mean everything.  And I want this baby. I really, really want it.

So at the moment I’m a bit anxious. Well, perhaps upset is more truthful. Hm, actually inconsolable is a better word.

But….

My husband is at a vineyard 40 minutes away at a party and I’m supposed to be joining him there. He doesn’t have a car there so he can’t get back home on his own. So, I’m going to go. I don’t feel much like partying, but I bloody well don’t want to sit home alone sobbing either. And what better place to seek distraction than a vineyard, right?

If any of you newbies want to know more about me (and I haven’t put you off with my panicked ramblings and snotty nose) you can click here.

In the meantime, if you don’t mind, keep your fingers crossed for me? I’d appreciate it.

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The Tricks that Infertility Plays

 I concluded my earlier post at the point at which we had just finished our (scrumptious) dinner yesterday. Unfortunately I fell off Cloud Nine shortly after that. Here is the rest of the story.

I was reading What to Expect and came across the section on chemical pregnancies. I started thinking about how early I got my positive HPT (CD11) and that technically my period wasn’t even due yet. And of course, just like the paranoid IFer that I am, I started worrying that maybe this would turn out to be only a chemical pregnancy. That it would be over before it even started. And I got scared.

On Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep due to excitement. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was worried that I would wake up to find that my period had started. I woke up in a panic at 4am and had to stumble to the bathroom to take another HPT. I sat there staring at that place where that second line should be. There was nothing there. Of course, my 4am brain did not compute that the tests don’t work instantaneously. Thirty seconds later that second line started to appear, but by then the damage was done. I was panicking.

Picture the scene. It was 4 am, I was on my knees in the kitchen, wearing nothing but one of H’s old t-shirts, rooting through the rubbish bin trying to find the HPT from Wednesday night so I could compare the darkness of the test lines. I was frantic. I was sure that the line would be fainter than the first test.

It wasn’t. The line was exactly the same. But when I went back to bed I lay there thinking ab0ut how it was all about to go wrong. I was torturing myself.

I woke up this morning still feeling anxious. I felt like we had jinxed this pregnancy by being happy. It felt like by discussing the few plans that we had, by enjoying this moment, we had set ourselves up for disappointment.

Luckily the fog seems to be lifting. Going to see my GP this afternoon really helped. It seemed so much more real, and as all IFers know, it helps to have a plan. My GP recommended an O&G and even called his office for me and sweet-talked the receptionist into taking me on (apparently he isn’t taking new patients at the moment). So now I have an appointment at the end of March (oh so far away) and an ultrasound in April (the distant, inconceivable future).

Tonight I met H and his work mates at the Belgium Beer Cafe for drinks – although mine was pineapple juice rather than beer! I managed to lie (convincingly, I think) when someone asked if we had any plans for a baby. And just before I left, H told me that every hour he gets more excited about being a Dad.

What a way to end the evening.

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Filed under Infertility, Photos, Pregnancy

Cloud Nine

First things first, I need to say a big, heart-felt thank you to you all for your warm wishes and congratulations! It feels so wonderful to have so much support from such a great group of women. I want you all to know that it means a great deal to me. So thank you!

Secondly, I’ll answer a few questions and give you a few more details.

Stef, no I don’t need to go back to my FS. I imagine if we’d had IVF he would maintain care for a little longer, but in my case I’m just a regular pregnant lady so I go straight to an O&G (when I find one!). I managed to get a GP appointment this afternoon due to a cancellation, so I will get a blood βhCG done today and get the names of a couple of docs to contact.

We’ve had a couple of long chats about when to tell people. H doesn’t think I’ll be able to hold out until 12 weeks, and I kinda agree. I think our friends will start suspecting before we get that far, and I’m a truly awful liar, so if someone asks me directly I don’t know what I’ll say! So we’re going to delay making a decision about that this week, and H is going to coach me in the skills of deceit. I’m going home to visit my mother next week, so I will tell her then. It will be so much more fun to do it in person! She knows that we’ve been seeing a FS and made me promise not to keep her in the dark once we got pregnant. I’m sure she’ll forgive me for 8 days of secrecy though! We won’t tell any other family at that point. Once I get back from my trip we’ll have another talk about when we want to tell people. My father and brother are visiting us in late March so we’ll probably tell them at that time (again because it is so much more fun to do in person) and at that point will tell my other brothers and H’s family. My one friend who is also TTC already knows (I had to tell someone!) and once I’ve told my mother I’ll also tell my dearest friend, who lives interstate. I’m not brave enough to tell her before that because her mother is my mother’s best friend and I would hate it if somehow the news leaked before I’m able to tell mum myself. Our other friends we’ll tell… at some point. I won’t tell work until I’m 12 weeks. Complicated, much?

Yesterday was a great day. I was on cloud nice, as Egg put it. I started off getting a long-overdue hair cut. Then I went to the book store and bought “What to Expect” plus a name book (it’s a bit early I know, but I couldn’t help myself) as well as five Jane Austen books. She’s my favourite author and this set was beautifully presented and once again I just couldn’t help myself. Because I spent quite a bit (ahem, $150) I got a free coffee (or chai latte in my case) and sat in the cafe reading some of Mansfield Park. It was bliss. Unfortunately this ate into my toe nail painting time, so they’re still not done (but don’t worry Courtney, I will do them today!).

When I got home I cooked a celebratory feast for H. I made roast lamb with ratatouille-stuffed roast peppers and roasted potatoes. It was divine, if I do say so myself. And then we had frozen yoghurt with banana and strawberries for dessert.

  

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Yup, It’s True. Apparently.

Yup, that’s right. Apparently I’m pregnant. Holy crap. (Sorry for being so sneaky in my last post, but I just couldn’t resist!)

Last night I tested. I totally wasn’t going to. I was honestly, truthfully going to wait until Friday (13DPO). But somehow I accidentally POAS last night. And I got a second line, on 11DPO! I lost my cool entirely. I ran out of the bathroom, knickers still around my ankles, shrieking to my husband “I need a second opinion, I need a second opinion!!”. To be honest it took a bit of explaining how a HPT works before he would accept that it really was a positive test. That second line was faint, but definitely present.  I took another HPT this morning just to be sure… and, well, you’ve seen a picture of that one. And H’s reaction last night… gobsmacked. He admitted to me that he really thought we were in for months or years of treatments. After a few happy profanities, his first real sentence was, “I guess we really have to grow up now, don’t we?”. Gulp! My mind was going so fast all night that I only got four hours of sleep.

I’m thrilled. And terrified. Somehow, it feels totally unreal, but at the same time it feels like old news. I’ve been thinking about this moment, planning for this moment, living this moment in my head for so long that it almost seems like nothing has changed. But it has.

So, my plan of attack for today…

  1. Find an obstetrician. That’s right, I don’t have one yet. I’ve emailed my GP to ask for a recommendation because she always has a great specialist up her sleeve.
  2. Go buy “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. I am expecting to know a lot of the stuff in there already (I am a medical professional and the daughter of an obstetrician, after all), but I still think it will be handy to have as a reference, and I suspect H might even get in some sneaky reading!
  3. Paint my toe-nails. Because I don’t feel like me until they’re painted.
  4. Get my hair cut. I can’t dye away the greys, but I can get rid of the scraggly bits.

But I guess I’d better start by brushing my teeth. And maybe getting dressed, if I can manage that too.

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A Post Full of Pictures

Most of the pictures I’ve been posting lately have been graphs. So to break up the monotony, here are some real pictures…

These are my favourite little love birds, a very precious gift from Poland, from a very precious friend. (This pic was inspired by Egg who also loves birds!)

And here is one of the real birds who hangs out in our front yard, and who H insists on feeding with my breakfast cereals.

 

But…

Since I’m posting pics anyway, here is another… look closely…

 

Did you spot it?

 

Here’s a hint:

 

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Filed under Infertility, Non-IF Stuff, Photos, Pregnancy

The failure of my breasts to ever act remotely breast-like

I’ve been a bit boring and charting-obsessed for the past couple of weeks, so I thought it was time for a change of subject. And what better subject than my breasts? Because if I can’t talk about them in this forum, where can I talk about them?

Aside from interfering with the eye-contact of many potential suitors, my breasts have never really done anything. I don’t expect them to create world peace, climb Mt Everest, or do anything quite so dramatic. But for the past decade and a half, they have just been inert lumps of… um… I’m trying to find a suitable metaphor. Unfortunately they’re not pert rock-melons, but they’re not exactly empty wind-socks either. So, they’ve been inert lumps of… slightly droopy jelly? I digress. They never get sore before or during a period. They don’t seem to even know when I’m ovulating. When my pituitary adenoma was in full swing and I had a Prolactin level of 4,000 (trust me, that’s high) they must have been away on holiday, sunning themselves on some exotic nudist beach. My dirty-pillows seem to be an entirely separate entity from the rest of my body, only attached to me in a mechanical sense by some connective tissue, ligaments and skin.

The laziness of my boobs worries me now that I’m deep in the throes of trying to conceive. I’m particularly concerned about the fact they did not respond to such a high PRL. Prolactin, as the name suggests, is the hormone responsible for stimulating your lady-lumps to produce milk. PRL starts to rise during pregnancy, and remains elevated during breast-feeding.

Until I met my husband, I was not one of those girls who dreams about her wedding day. But I did dream about being a mum. I can remember being four years old and rocking my dolls and knowing that one day I would have real babies to care for. Breastfeeding has been a big part of that dream for me, and I have really been looking forward to that chance to bond with my baby. Even though I know breastfeeding can be difficult and painful, I’d be devastated if I didn’t at least have the option to feed my baby that way.

But if my lazy lumps didn’t respond to a PRL of 4,000 last year, will they respond to a similar PRL postpartum?

First things must come first, I suppose, and I should probably focus on actually conceiving a baby. But I don’t mind admitting that if one of my pregnancy symptoms is sore breasts, I think – for the first time in a way that is not related to how they look in a low cut top (fantastic, in case you’re wondering) – I might actually feel proud of my tits.

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