The Tricks that Infertility Plays

 I concluded my earlier post at the point at which we had just finished our (scrumptious) dinner yesterday. Unfortunately I fell off Cloud Nine shortly after that. Here is the rest of the story.

I was reading What to Expect and came across the section on chemical pregnancies. I started thinking about how early I got my positive HPT (CD11) and that technically my period wasn’t even due yet. And of course, just like the paranoid IFer that I am, I started worrying that maybe this would turn out to be only a chemical pregnancy. That it would be over before it even started. And I got scared.

On Wednesday night I couldn’t sleep due to excitement. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was worried that I would wake up to find that my period had started. I woke up in a panic at 4am and had to stumble to the bathroom to take another HPT. I sat there staring at that place where that second line should be. There was nothing there. Of course, my 4am brain did not compute that the tests don’t work instantaneously. Thirty seconds later that second line started to appear, but by then the damage was done. I was panicking.

Picture the scene. It was 4 am, I was on my knees in the kitchen, wearing nothing but one of H’s old t-shirts, rooting through the rubbish bin trying to find the HPT from Wednesday night so I could compare the darkness of the test lines. I was frantic. I was sure that the line would be fainter than the first test.

It wasn’t. The line was exactly the same. But when I went back to bed I lay there thinking ab0ut how it was all about to go wrong. I was torturing myself.

I woke up this morning still feeling anxious. I felt like we had jinxed this pregnancy by being happy. It felt like by discussing the few plans that we had, by enjoying this moment, we had set ourselves up for disappointment.

Luckily the fog seems to be lifting. Going to see my GP this afternoon really helped. It seemed so much more real, and as all IFers know, it helps to have a plan. My GP recommended an O&G and even called his office for me and sweet-talked the receptionist into taking me on (apparently he isn’t taking new patients at the moment). So now I have an appointment at the end of March (oh so far away) and an ultrasound in April (the distant, inconceivable future).

Tonight I met H and his work mates at the Belgium Beer Cafe for drinks – although mine was pineapple juice rather than beer! I managed to lie (convincingly, I think) when someone asked if we had any plans for a baby. And just before I left, H told me that every hour he gets more excited about being a Dad.

What a way to end the evening.

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15 Comments

Filed under Infertility, Photos, Pregnancy

15 responses to “The Tricks that Infertility Plays

  1. Jin

    I notice among the IFers that are pregnant or were pregnant at some point all have moments like this. I think it comes with the IF territory. And that chemical pregnancy stuff – that’s what, in the first 50 pages or so? The book gets better imo, but there’s a lot of women who get freaked out about the bad stuff that they talk about.

  2. I could SO have written this post over the past few days…I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better at the moment. Congratulations!

  3. Al

    I’m so sorry TIO, those moments of panic are so tough. Hang in there, try not to think about all that could go wrong. Try to remember that until you have any reason to believe otherwise, everything is going great.

    I don’t think not getting excited or being happy while you’re pregnant would make a miscarriage any easier…so try to enjoy it and dream about it with your husband while you can.

    I hope you can get in earlier than late march for an ultrasound, that’s a very long time to be waiting and wondering about how things are going…hope you can pull some strings and sweet talk some people into seeing you sooner.

    Hang in there, TIO. Will be thinking of you.

    ((hugs))

  4. Seriously, there needs to be a “Now What?” book for infertiles that become pregnant. With all of the time, money & emotions we invest in fertility treatments, we really need something to talk us down from the ledge once we finally achieve the unachievable. I’m with you, friend!

  5. Al

    Okay, so I just re-read my comment and realized it didn’t come across right. I meant to say enjoy things when you can, like if you’re feeling happy and comfortable about the pregnancy – don’t feel bad or like you’re jinxing yourself by feeling happy. You’re not, you have every reason to be happy and hopeful.

    Hope you have a great weekend.

  6. I agree with Al. I often try to quell my happy “this could work” thoughts because I think I’m jinxing myself and the powers that be will strike a lightening bolt down from the heavens and say, “she doesn’t get to be pregnant because she hopes she is!” (haha.) You know what? Your body’s going to do what it’s going to do despite your emotions (good ones and bad ones). And I have a VERY good feeling that what your body is going to DO is have a healthy pregnancy and grow a beautiful, healthy baby. 🙂 You just keep your chin up, Tio. We’ll be here for each freakout, each blissout, and everything in between!

  7. Oh isn’t that always us. Having something great happen and then we sabotage ourselves with but what if?!?!?! Enjoy each day!!!

  8. Secret Sloper

    Sweetheart, you have every reason to be happy right now. Most pregnancies that show up on a test are fine. Let me repeat: Most pregnancies that get to the stage you are at are fine.

    Look, I know why you’re scared. I truly believe it won’t happen to you, even as there is no way to remove that uncertainty at the moment. So please, please enjoy every precious moment of this pregnancy. Because I do not regret one moment I spent loving and being happy about my baby, but you might regret torturing yourself when you realize you had no reason to be afraid.

    (Did that last part sound bitchy? I don’t mean it to, honestly)

  9. First of all congratulations on your BFP! Secondly, I understand this panic so well…I also just this week got my first BFP & have been up & down with the joy & then worry that something is going to go wrong. IF is a bastard that unfortunately takes away from us some of the care free nature of being pregnant. I’m glad you’re night ended on a good note…I know it’s hard, but try to relax & soak in the joy of this pregnancy:)

  10. I can imagine how you must be feeling – after having your body betray you for so long, it’s hard to believe that it can get it right this time. Added to that the fact that conception and pregnancy seem so, well, magical, it’s hard to believe it works at all. But, I think that’s just what you have to do: believe. I know it’s easier said than done. I think if I were in your position I would be peeing on sticks like a madwoman. Hopefully, you’ll start to feel better once you reach that day when your period is due and it passes… but I also know you’ll have worry and doubts even after that… so try to stay strong and know that we’re all here for you!!!

  11. Red

    I can’t beleive that the week my computer breaks down and I am offline, I missed the pregnancy announcement! CONGRATULATIONS! Hoping for a very uneventful 9 months for you. 🙂

  12. I spent so much of my pregnancy unsure – I think it’s just that as IFers we know WAY too much for comfort, we know all the things that could go wrong, no matter how unlikely, we don’t trust our bodies to work properly for once and we find it hard to believe in the dream becoming a reality.

    Take each day at a time and celebrate each milestone… most of all when the crazies hit you just remember to breathe and stay away from Dr Google!

    • oh and if you do get a bit crazy before the 12 week u/s ask your GP for a referal for an early pregnancy scan. I don’t thnk it’s covered by medicare so you have to pay the whole lot out of pocket but imho worth it. We were in the UK and paid for a private early pregnancy scan and seeing that heartbeat did wonders for my sanity 🙂

  13. That’s definitely a natural fear with IF. I still can’t relax fully. It feels like you’re just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hopefully with a little time and once you see your little one it will get easier to stay excited and you will have less moments of doubt/panic.