Fear, again

We have our 20 week ultrasound on Friday.

Already the terror has started. I had a dream last night that we lost the baby. I don’t remember the details, but I remember how devastated we were, and how we kept talking about how our ultrasound was only two days away, and we had been so looking forward to seeing the baby wriggle away on the screen, and how it all seemed so unfair.

I’ve done a fair job of putting it out of my mind today. I think the regular stirrings I can feel in my tummy really help put my mind at ease. But I have thought at times today about the women I know who have had second trimester miscarriages – and unfortunately I can put the total at four women, and five lost babies. And only one of them had any known risk factor.

The last thing I want is to spread my fear like it’s as contagious as my current cold, but you guys always seem to know what to say to make me feel better, and hey – what’s the point in having a blog if you can’t be honest? So, I’m putting it out there: I am looking forward to the scan more than almost anything I have before… but I just can’t shake that little kernel of fear which sits deep in some dark recess I just can’t get to, whispering to me “it could all still go wrong, it could all still go wrong”.

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7 Comments

Filed under Fear, Pregnancy

7 responses to “Fear, again

  1. I felt the exact same way… ecstatic to find out the sex, terrified that they would see something horrible. BTW, are you finding out the sex? 🙂

    There is nothing to say that will calm your fears completely, but please try to remember that the odds are that everything will be perfect.

    This is what I wish for you! An absolutely perfect baby!!!

  2. AL

    Deep breaths, TIO! Everything is going to look perfect at the scan. Those wiggles show that the baby is still doing great in there…but I know the appointment will be the final reassurance that things are perfect. Hang in there, not much longer til your next scan.

  3. Leslie

    My 20 week u/s was last Friday and I felt similarly. I was very scared especially since I had not started to feel much movement. I hope that once you get in the room and see your LO moving, dancing, wiggling etc — that your fears will subside. I hope it is as an amazing an experience for you as it was for me. Lots of positive thoughts to you and vibes that the next day or so will go by very, very fast.

  4. Oh sweetie that is so, so normal for pg after if. Just keep breathing, the excitement will outweigh the fear.

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Yey, anatomy scan!

  5. Nicole

    This is so very recognizable… I am pregnant after two miscarriages (due october 30th!) and it is hard to relax and have faith that everythink will work out fine. But… the chances that everything will be great are a LOT bigger than the chance that something is wrong. I keep telling myself that, and I hope you can too. Just one day to go!

    I also hope your cold is getting better.

  6. Red

    The only thing that got me through the scan this time was that we were finding out the gender so I tried to focus mostly on that (even though that sounds shallow- it beats worrying over health). Best of luck.

  7. I just wanted to let you know how much your comment today meant to me. Seriously, from the bottom of my warped lil’ heart, thank you. 😉

    Heaps and piles of good luck with the scan. This grating nervousness and fear never goes away, does it? When we know about those fringe cases–those who’ve had second tri losses–it’s a stark reminder that that could be your fate, too. But the truth is that statistically the odds are on your side that everything will be a-okay. (But I know that statistics are not necessarily comforting, hehe.)

    Big hug…