We have our 20 week ultrasound on Friday.
Already the terror has started. I had a dream last night that we lost the baby. I don’t remember the details, but I remember how devastated we were, and how we kept talking about how our ultrasound was only two days away, and we had been so looking forward to seeing the baby wriggle away on the screen, and how it all seemed so unfair.
I’ve done a fair job of putting it out of my mind today. I think the regular stirrings I can feel in my tummy really help put my mind at ease. But I have thought at times today about the women I know who have had second trimester miscarriages – and unfortunately I can put the total at four women, and five lost babies. And only one of them had any known risk factor.
The last thing I want is to spread my fear like it’s as contagious as my current cold, but you guys always seem to know what to say to make me feel better, and hey – what’s the point in having a blog if you can’t be honest? So, I’m putting it out there: I am looking forward to the scan more than almost anything I have before… but I just can’t shake that little kernel of fear which sits deep in some dark recess I just can’t get to, whispering to me “it could all still go wrong, it could all still go wrong”.