The Fear That Underpins it All

I’m getting clucky.  Really clucky.

And that can only be a bad thing because, for a number of reasons, there’s no way we are going to be trying to conceive any time soon.

And that makes me sad.  Sad in a way that reminds me so strongly of how I felt when we were trying to get pregnant the first time around.

When we were TTCing, I didn’t get angry.  Or jealous.  Or frustrated.  I know I’m in a vanishingly small minority among IFers, but I used to love seeing babies and pregnant bellies; I wanted to hear people’s stories about pregnancy, birth, and parenting.  It gave me hope; I think in a way it enabled me to live vicariously through other people’s experiences.  So no, I never felt angry or jealous.

But I did feel sad.  Sad down to the core of my being.  And I really don’t want to feel that again.

There are so many anxieties that fuel this sadness.  How on earth am I going to take time out of my very demanding, very inflexible career to have a baby?  How will we support two children if I do take time off?  When will my husband be ready to embrace the idea of having another child?  Worse yet, what if he never wants another?  When will there be time for the third child I already know I want?

And behind it all, there is the other.  That base fear that underpins it all.  What if there is no second child?  What if this time the treatments don’t work?  What if I wait too long?

What if I miss my chance?

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6 Comments

Filed under Baby Making, Round 2, Fear, Infertility

6 responses to “The Fear That Underpins it All

  1. Wow. This paragraph:

    “There are so many anxieties that fuel this sadness. How on earth am I going to take time out of my very demanding, very inflexible career to have a baby? How will we support two children if I do take time off? When will my husband be ready to embrace the idea of having another child? Worse yet, what if he never wants another? When will there be time for the third child I already know I want?”

    I feel like I could have written it myself. Literally, I think I might have, at some point, recorded each and every one of those sentiments on my blog. It’s so hard and there are no easy answers. The past year has been a contant negotiation between my partner and I about the building of our family. And now we’re finally actually trying to do something about it and of course, nothing is happening. And I ache for it, I really do. The ache is so raw and intensely physical, it’s different from the anxiety-filled fear of wanting, no needing, to have my first child, but it’s no-less difficult to bear.

    I hope you find some peace on this journey. I really do.

  2. I am so afraid to re-enter this world. The idea of trying to make a baby conjures up images of loss, sadness, horrifying anger and pain. Somehow, having gone through it and survived just makes it seem even scarier– how can I possibly go back to that place now that I have my wonderful little boy! And like you, I have career and academic goals to focus on, as well. And yet, I know we’ll be back there again, probably soon. I hope I can handle it more gracefully than I did the first time.

  3. I’m so envious when I hear mums talking about how they feel ‘done’, I long for that certainty. The place I’m in now has no room for hope but that soul deep longing is so very hard to shake. I deal by avoiding pregnant women and babies – not out of jealousy but because the pain is enough to bring me to my knees.

    It’s never easy but I hope you find a way to reconcile what you have to do with what you need to do .

    • Tio

      I can’t imagine ever feeling “done”; ( I’m afraid that even if I had 5 kids I’d want more!). I hope I do feel that certainty one day – I hope someday my family feels complete. I hope that for you, too.

  4. JourneyGirl

    Just wanted to drop by and say ‘hi’ and tell you I have been reading but have been a terrible commenter. This post was so poignant and let me tell you, I have found the second go round just as tough. Your job sounds amazing though, hope you are well!!!