Category Archives: 2WW

Boring Post, Pretty Graph

This is a very boring post because I’m supposed to be working right now, but I just wanted to give you a quick update. My Progesterone was 29.2 – excellent.

And here’s a pretty picture for you to look at:

I can tell already that this 2WW is going to kill me. But I’m feeling pretty good right now, so let’s hope it continues!

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Filed under 2WW, Charting, Infertility

Love Rollercoaster

Do you know that song Love Rollercoaster – the one that the Red Hot Chili Peppers covered for the Beavis and Butthead movie?

That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I’ve been riding an infertility rollercoaster. I just haven’t been able to shake this nagging feeling that somehow this cycle is all going wrong, and it has been playing some serious mind games with me.

On Thursday I went out for dinner with a group of friends who I hadn’t seen for a while. One of them was – unexpectedly to me – pregnant. It was lovely to see her and I am thrilled that she is pregnant but, for the first time, news of someone else’s pregnancy was unpleasant to me. I couldn’t write off my discomfort as sadness, impatience, fear or any other more honourable emotion. I was jealous. I was jealous, and I hated it. Friday was just as bad and I had trouble holding myself together while at a friend’s place for her birthday party. Every time someone so much as looked at me I wanted to burst into tears, and a few tears did find their way down my cheek. I had a temper too and poor old H bore the brunt of it. I can honestly say I’ve never felt so emotionally labile. I felt like a fool for being so overtly emotional – not that any of my friends minded.

The ups and downs continued yesterday and I felt totally unable to cope with even the smallest things. We were having friends over for dinner and I felt compelled to suggested to H that perhaps we should cancel because I truly felt like the burden of tidying the house and helping H with the cooking was just too much for me. I’m glad he didn’t let me chicken out though because I had a lovely time with them and in the end their company was a welcome distraction. The bright point yesterday was that my OPK was clearly negative and was so different from Thursday and Friday’s results that I’m now almost convinced that I did ovulate. And although FF can’t confirm ovulation yet, and although my progesterone level isn’t being done until Wednesday, I think I’m now in the 2WW – which after the stress of the last week is actually a relief. Despite that welcome relief it all became too much for me last night. Darling H could see that I was upset (well, Blind Freddy could see that) and he insisted that I tell him exactly what was going through my head. It was difficult for me to talk about, which was strange because I am usually very communicative, especially with H. For some reason talking about infertility – even to the person I love and trust most in the world – was terribly confronting. It took me a long time with lots of pauses but H lay there with his head on my chest and just listened. I talked about feeling like a bad person because I had felt jealous about a friend’s pregnancy. I talked about the stress associated with not being able to plan for the future because we do not know when I will be pregnant. And even though it was hard to say, I told H that although I know he wants a family, I sometimes feel like I’m alone in this struggle because he doesn’t seem to feel the same biological imperative to have a baby. I explained that it feels like there is a big hollow space inside of me. A year ago I didn’t even realise that empty space was there but now that I am aware of it I can feel it tugging on me every day. I can feel the nothingness where that space is. I told him that I desperately love and miss someone who I have never even met, because they haven’t been born yet. And he listened to it all with good grace and compassion.

Today, thankfully, some of the cloud has lifted.

It is difficult to describe how I feel using my own words so I will borrow some from Love Rollercoaster:

“You give me a funny feeling in my tummy”. Yes, there definitely has been a strange feeling in my tummy.

“Upside down on the big dip dipper”. Upside down, then right-way-up, then upside down all over again.

“Like a liquorice twist gonna whip your ass” . At some point or another, we all feel like infertility is whipping our asses.

And yet… “I wanna ride, yeah”. And it’s true…. I do wanna be on this crazy, bumpy, scary ride. Because only by riding this rollercoaster am I going to get my happy ending.

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Filed under 2WW, Infertility, Ovulation

Stef, this one is for you….

It seems like I’m not the only impatient one around here!

To save Stef over at Baby Blakely too much more angst, I’ve logged in to give you a quick update.

As of waking up this morning, my period has not arrived, although yesterday I felt sure it was just around the corner. I dutifully peed on a stick and got one lonely little line.  I ‘celebrated’ by having a cup of coffee on my way to work this morning.

I feel fine. I was honestly expecting a negative test, so much so that I had a couple of glasses of wine on Saturday night (which went straight to my head – I’m very out of practice at drinking alcohol!).

I expect to be starting my second round of Clomid on Wednesday, or Thursday at a push. I feel positive. To be honest, this part is much easier for me than the 2WW was – I almost lost my mind during that time. I just can’t handle the stagnation, the feeling of helplessness. I feel much better when I can do something proactive, even if it is only popping one tiny pill every night.

The good news is that I’m pretty sure I ovulated on only 50mg of Clomid, and I didn’t get many troubling side effects. It’s hard to complain about a result like that. I should be getting the results of my Progesterone level back today to confirm that I did ovulate.

I spoke to my Mum on the phone last night. She lives overseas. Rather, I live overseas, she lives in our native country. Next month or early March she will either be coming to visit for the weekend or I’ll go home to see her. She wants us to go through some of my baby items that she saved and select something for me to keep at home to give to our baby when it arrives. She is so excited. Isn’t this a lovely idea? Even though I’m her youngest child this will be her first grandchild.

Okay girls, I hope this update has done it’s job! I’ll let you know once I get my Progesterone level back.

Have a happy Monday!

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Filed under 2WW, Clomid, Infertility

Where did all that hope go?….

You might remember this post I made a week ago talking about how hopeful I was for this cycle. And although the 2WW has been getting more and more difficult, and I’ve become increasingly impatient, I’ve remained fairly chirpy (as much as usual, anyway).

But today I’m down in the dumps. To put it lightly, I feel like shit. I think I have noticed the first signs of an impending period. And it’s only CD 21! The signs are subtle, and to be honest I’ve had so few periods in the last 18 months (five, to be precise) that I might be out of practise at identifying the signs. Besides which, I didn’t truly expect to get pregnant on my first round of Clomid. But none of that matters. I still feel terrible. And it’s not only the IF saga, I just feel flat and worn down in general.

I’m still hoping that this will be a 24 hour blip, and that I’ll wake tomorrow full of hope once more. And that when I go to my Endocrinologist tomorrow for the results of my MRI there will be no nasty surprises, because I really don’t need something else to worry about. And then Friday morning I’m heading to the hospital before work for my CD23 bloods, the point of which is to confirm that I ovulated, but there’s a sneaky beta HCG thrown in for good measure even though I’ll only be 11 DPO.

In the meantime, I might make the most of having the house to myself and take myself off to the bedroom for a little cry. I’m sure to feel better (if not a bit ridiculous) after that.

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Filed under 2WW, Infertility, Photos

I’m Not Freud, But…

This 2WW is going so slowly. I’m only half-way there; how on earth am I going to survive another week?

All the waiting is clearly playing with my mind. I had a dream last night that my period started, and I was – of course – upset. But even in my dream I was trying to convince myself that it was implantation bleeding. Is this a sign that this cycle will be unsuccessful?

Of course, I also dreamt that I was taking a horseback tour through France but my horse had a sore leg so instead of me riding him, I was carrying him around on my back. And despite being a French horse he spoke perfect English.

So maybe I shouldn’t read too much into my dreams after all.

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Filed under 2WW, Infertility