Do you know that song Love Rollercoaster – the one that the Red Hot Chili Peppers covered for the Beavis and Butthead movie?
That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I’ve been riding an infertility rollercoaster. I just haven’t been able to shake this nagging feeling that somehow this cycle is all going wrong, and it has been playing some serious mind games with me.
On Thursday I went out for dinner with a group of friends who I hadn’t seen for a while. One of them was – unexpectedly to me – pregnant. It was lovely to see her and I am thrilled that she is pregnant but, for the first time, news of someone else’s pregnancy was unpleasant to me. I couldn’t write off my discomfort as sadness, impatience, fear or any other more honourable emotion. I was jealous. I was jealous, and I hated it. Friday was just as bad and I had trouble holding myself together while at a friend’s place for her birthday party. Every time someone so much as looked at me I wanted to burst into tears, and a few tears did find their way down my cheek. I had a temper too and poor old H bore the brunt of it. I can honestly say I’ve never felt so emotionally labile. I felt like a fool for being so overtly emotional – not that any of my friends minded.
The ups and downs continued yesterday and I felt totally unable to cope with even the smallest things. We were having friends over for dinner and I felt compelled to suggested to H that perhaps we should cancel because I truly felt like the burden of tidying the house and helping H with the cooking was just too much for me. I’m glad he didn’t let me chicken out though because I had a lovely time with them and in the end their company was a welcome distraction. The bright point yesterday was that my OPK was clearly negative and was so different from Thursday and Friday’s results that I’m now almost convinced that I did ovulate. And although FF can’t confirm ovulation yet, and although my progesterone level isn’t being done until Wednesday, I think I’m now in the 2WW – which after the stress of the last week is actually a relief. Despite that welcome relief it all became too much for me last night. Darling H could see that I was upset (well, Blind Freddy could see that) and he insisted that I tell him exactly what was going through my head. It was difficult for me to talk about, which was strange because I am usually very communicative, especially with H. For some reason talking about infertility – even to the person I love and trust most in the world – was terribly confronting. It took me a long time with lots of pauses but H lay there with his head on my chest and just listened. I talked about feeling like a bad person because I had felt jealous about a friend’s pregnancy. I talked about the stress associated with not being able to plan for the future because we do not know when I will be pregnant. And even though it was hard to say, I told H that although I know he wants a family, I sometimes feel like I’m alone in this struggle because he doesn’t seem to feel the same biological imperative to have a baby. I explained that it feels like there is a big hollow space inside of me. A year ago I didn’t even realise that empty space was there but now that I am aware of it I can feel it tugging on me every day. I can feel the nothingness where that space is. I told him that I desperately love and miss someone who I have never even met, because they haven’t been born yet. And he listened to it all with good grace and compassion.
Today, thankfully, some of the cloud has lifted.
It is difficult to describe how I feel using my own words so I will borrow some from Love Rollercoaster:
“You give me a funny feeling in my tummy”. Yes, there definitely has been a strange feeling in my tummy.
“Upside down on the big dip dipper”. Upside down, then right-way-up, then upside down all over again.
“Like a liquorice twist gonna whip your ass” . At some point or another, we all feel like infertility is whipping our asses.
And yet… “I wanna ride, yeah”. And it’s true…. I do wanna be on this crazy, bumpy, scary ride. Because only by riding this rollercoaster am I going to get my happy ending.