Category Archives: Ovulation

The Miserable Bitch

I had my 6-monthly follow up with my endocrinologist last month to monitor my pituitary adenoma. Luckily I had the whole day off work so I was able to rush into the city first thing to get my blood taken (I have to get it taken at the same lab each time), then spend the day exploring the city (by which I mean shopping) before my appointment in the afternoon.

The good news is that my blood levels are all in the normal range. My specialist is so happy that he doesn’t think I need an MRI next year and will step me down to yearly visits. Fewer doctor appointments? I’m on board with that! I still have to get my prolactin levels checked regularly and let him know if they go up again, or if I get pregnant (yeah, right).

The bad news is that after more than six months of nearly-regular cycles during which I’m pretty sure I was ovulating, my body seems to have fallen back into it’s old PCOS ways. I’m on CD 84 with a complete absence of any hormonal signs or symptoms.  Welcome back to anovulatory world! I guess that means no surprise post-IF baby for me. While that’s probably a good thing because our lives are just too hectic at the moment to seriously contemplate adding to our family, it means that I once more have to give up all those dreams. You know the ones: being able to surprise H with the news of a pregnancy, not having to undergo fertility treatment for round two. Basically, it once more kills the dream of having a ‘normal’ experience of family building.

I can live with the disappointment since we’re not planning to conceive anytime soon, but I still think IF is a miserable bitch. And yes, I’ll say that to her face.

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Filed under Baby Making, Round 2, Infertility, Ovulation, PCOS, Pituitary Adenoma

Love Rollercoaster

Do you know that song Love Rollercoaster – the one that the Red Hot Chili Peppers covered for the Beavis and Butthead movie?

That’s how I’ve been feeling for the past few days. I’ve been riding an infertility rollercoaster. I just haven’t been able to shake this nagging feeling that somehow this cycle is all going wrong, and it has been playing some serious mind games with me.

On Thursday I went out for dinner with a group of friends who I hadn’t seen for a while. One of them was – unexpectedly to me – pregnant. It was lovely to see her and I am thrilled that she is pregnant but, for the first time, news of someone else’s pregnancy was unpleasant to me. I couldn’t write off my discomfort as sadness, impatience, fear or any other more honourable emotion. I was jealous. I was jealous, and I hated it. Friday was just as bad and I had trouble holding myself together while at a friend’s place for her birthday party. Every time someone so much as looked at me I wanted to burst into tears, and a few tears did find their way down my cheek. I had a temper too and poor old H bore the brunt of it. I can honestly say I’ve never felt so emotionally labile. I felt like a fool for being so overtly emotional – not that any of my friends minded.

The ups and downs continued yesterday and I felt totally unable to cope with even the smallest things. We were having friends over for dinner and I felt compelled to suggested to H that perhaps we should cancel because I truly felt like the burden of tidying the house and helping H with the cooking was just too much for me. I’m glad he didn’t let me chicken out though because I had a lovely time with them and in the end their company was a welcome distraction. The bright point yesterday was that my OPK was clearly negative and was so different from Thursday and Friday’s results that I’m now almost convinced that I did ovulate. And although FF can’t confirm ovulation yet, and although my progesterone level isn’t being done until Wednesday, I think I’m now in the 2WW – which after the stress of the last week is actually a relief. Despite that welcome relief it all became too much for me last night. Darling H could see that I was upset (well, Blind Freddy could see that) and he insisted that I tell him exactly what was going through my head. It was difficult for me to talk about, which was strange because I am usually very communicative, especially with H. For some reason talking about infertility – even to the person I love and trust most in the world – was terribly confronting. It took me a long time with lots of pauses but H lay there with his head on my chest and just listened. I talked about feeling like a bad person because I had felt jealous about a friend’s pregnancy. I talked about the stress associated with not being able to plan for the future because we do not know when I will be pregnant. And even though it was hard to say, I told H that although I know he wants a family, I sometimes feel like I’m alone in this struggle because he doesn’t seem to feel the same biological imperative to have a baby. I explained that it feels like there is a big hollow space inside of me. A year ago I didn’t even realise that empty space was there but now that I am aware of it I can feel it tugging on me every day. I can feel the nothingness where that space is. I told him that I desperately love and miss someone who I have never even met, because they haven’t been born yet. And he listened to it all with good grace and compassion.

Today, thankfully, some of the cloud has lifted.

It is difficult to describe how I feel using my own words so I will borrow some from Love Rollercoaster:

“You give me a funny feeling in my tummy”. Yes, there definitely has been a strange feeling in my tummy.

“Upside down on the big dip dipper”. Upside down, then right-way-up, then upside down all over again.

“Like a liquorice twist gonna whip your ass” . At some point or another, we all feel like infertility is whipping our asses.

And yet… “I wanna ride, yeah”. And it’s true…. I do wanna be on this crazy, bumpy, scary ride. Because only by riding this rollercoaster am I going to get my happy ending.

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Filed under 2WW, Infertility, Ovulation

Well this is getting ridiculous…

What. The. Hell.

 

I could not be any more confused.

I still have fertile CM, but it is definitely less fertile than a few days ago. (So I guess it’s fertile-ish CM). I still have this weird pain which I attribute to my right ovary – if anything this is worse than yesterday. And my OPKs have changed… but not in a way that makes much sense. Yesterday afternoon and at lunch time today I got equivocal OPK results – with the test line being just about, so-close-it’s-hard-to-tell, almost, nearly as dark as the control. They look just like they did in my anovulatary cycles, but noticeably different to both my OPKs earlier this cycle and my brilliantly positive OPK last cycle. And my temps… they are just a frickin’ disaster.

So I repeat.. what the hell?

I can’t make sense of this. I entered the OPKs as positive on FF because lines of equal darkness are technically a sign of a LH surge, but truthfully I’m not convinced. Obviously I am just going to have to wait and see. I read somewhere today that OPKs aren’t very reliable for women with PCOS. Have any of you well-read and well-informed ladies heard of this phenomenon?

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Filed under Charting, Infertility, Ovulation

Confused, Still…

I have no idea what is going on. My CM is getting less fertile, and when I look at my temps during the last few days I can almost see an ovulation dip followed by an increase in temps – but still no change on the OPKs! Obviously I need a few days’ more data to really know what is happening… and I really hope that it isn’t an ovulation dip I see because that was right in the middle of our ‘dry patch’ due to H’s trip. Today my lower tummy is feeling even more uncomfortable than yesterday – not enough to really bother me, but it is very noticeable – which means that it is very difficult to put all this stuff out of my head.

Fingers crossed for a positive OPK tomorrow so I can stop worrying!

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Filed under Charting, Infertility, Ovulation

My Cervix is Beautiful

It’s true.

 I saw my GP today for a pap smear, and she complimented my cervix. Okay, so she didn’t exactly use the word beautiful. But she did say it was a good cervix. The most normal-looking cervix she’s seen in a long time, actually. (Which struck me as rather odd, because something can really only be called ‘normal’ if it falls in the ‘normal range’ which by definition means it is also common… which left wondering why most of her patients have abnormal-looking cervixes – or is it cervii? Cervices?…but I digress). She also mentioned that it sits quite posteriorly, and for this reason she suggested spending some time with my legs up after sex – ya know, just in case H’s little guys can’t read a map. I reassured her that all our purposeful sex ends the same way… me with a pillow shoved under my backside and my legs propped up on the wall, for at least 20 minutes.

In more pertinent news, I am still getting negative OPKs. I truly thought it would be positive today because I could swear my right ovary was twingeing a bit… but it must have been something else, like gas, appendicitis, or perhaps if I’m really lucky I’ve developed a huge Clomid cyst. On a more serious note, I’m ambivalent about the negative OPK. Part of me is glad that it is negative because I didn’t want to disrupt H’s mini-break and even with him driving home to do the deed, we would have still missed the preceding 36 hours which isn’t ideal. But conversely, I’m bummed that it is negative because at least if it was positive the waiting game would be over and I could feel confident that this cycle has a shot at success.

After yesterday’s negative OPK, and knowing that H would be gone by the time I got home from work, I had a little melt-down. I had to find a vacant room at work, lock myself in, and then call H on my mobile only to sob incoherently down the phone to him. Poor fellow, I think he thought he might have to cancel his trip after all! Thankfully after a brief, oh, I don’t know – 15 or 20 minutes, I was able to calm down enough to reassure him that no, I hadn’t (totally) lost my mind, and no, he wouldn’t return home in 3 days’ time to find me dressed in  tinfoil and cradling a baby made out of a potato sack.

Of course, before I could return to work I had to spend the next 15 minutes holding cold wet hand-towels to my face to treat the blotchy, puffy eyes I had developed.

To avert the inevitable cry-fest that would have occurred when I returned to an empty house, after work I called a friend who was also husband-less for the night and went around to her place for a cup of tea. Which turned into dinner. And dessert. And two hours watching the first episode of this season’s Grey’s Anatomy. (During which we of course criticised every medical inaccuracy – that’s half the fun really).

I chose my friend well. Not only is she my only friend who is also TTC, she is also not having much success. We agreed that although we would never have wished this problem on each other, it was really nice to have someone to share the pain with; and since neither of us have conceived yet we are still hoping to produce babies within a few months of each other so we can share the experience – and the cost of childcare.

So, that’s the last 48 hours in the life of Tio. What’s happening in your world?

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Filed under Infertility, Ovulation, Photos

Timing is Everything

Still no positive OPK.
I was hoping – after such lovely results last cycle – that Clomid would magically give me reliable, predictable cycles; but it appears my wish has not been granted.

Don’t get me wrong, I do not think all hope is over just because my OPKs are still resolutely negative at CD14. But it throws things off a bit in terms of timing.

Firstly, H is heading away for 2 or 3 days of bloke time tomorrow. With a negative OPK today there’s not much hope that I’ll ovulate before he goes. So the options are: (1) I’ll ovulate while he’s away; (2) I’ll ovulate late; (3) I won’t ovulate at all. My CM is definitely showing fertile signs which is reassuring, but it makes me think that Eggbert (cheesy nickname, I know) will ‘pop’ while H is away, which would be inconvenient to say the least. Thankfully H is quite prepared to drive the 2.5 hours home, attempt to knock me up, then drive back if I do ovulate while he’s away. But I have to say I’m not all that keen on him doing all that driving, especially as the return trip will be made in a post-coital haze!

Secondly, if this cycle is more than two or so days longer than last cycle (which it almost definitely will be) and is unsuccessful, my likely fertile days next cycle fall while I am visiting the fam in New Zealand. Somehow I don’t think H will be able to take a 4 hour flight there and back just for some baby-making nooky.

Sigh.

While I was trying to mentally solve the timing dilemmas this morning I thought to myself “why can’t this just be easy?”. And then I realised something. I don’t care if it’s easy – I am quite prepared to put in as much effort as necessary; I just want it to be quick!!

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Filed under Infertility, Ovulation

Breaking News!

Progesterone: 22.5

Finally, my ovaries have done something I can feel proud of.

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Filed under Charting, Infertility, Ovulation